happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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