textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
