If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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