someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
