I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
sarcasm needs its own font
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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