and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
