WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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