he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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