I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
