a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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