if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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