u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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