Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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