captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
