I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
