he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
