Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
