PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
