Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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