help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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