You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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