I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
