I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
