before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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