i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
