When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
