The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
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