At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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