im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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