saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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