i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
