what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
