Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize