I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
