Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
