he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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