Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
