Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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