Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
