A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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