My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
