I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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