I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
