he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
