I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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