There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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