WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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