Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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