I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
