you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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