Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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