Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
