Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
