I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
