So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
