Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
