Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
