please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
as a side note pls kill me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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