i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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