I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
