I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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