How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
