I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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